I was watching another documentary some time ago called Weapons of War, which illustrated how Sierra Leonean soldiers were using systematic rape as a weapon against their enemies during their civil war. The main focus of the film was to bring together rapist and victim to see if the victim could/would forgive the one who raped her.
The rapist they focussed on was a man in his late thirties, whom I’ll call John. When he was first drafted into the army it appeared that he was doing his ‘job’ to the letter, i.e. fighting whoever his superiors said were the enemy. But according to John the soldiers were not looked after well; more often than not they had no food to eat and were not provided with the most basic materials necessary for survival. The promises of provision, national gratitude and the belief that they were fighting for a noble cause rang hollow in the face of their harsh daily reality. To make matters worse, the soldiers realised that they were seen to be the enemy in the eyes of the Sierra Leonean people.
In disgust and using their own twisted logic, many soldiers, instead of simply quitting the army, decided to vent their fury on those who were the most defenceless. According to John because they were being treated so badly by their government, they didn’t see why they should obey orders any longer. There was a general consensus that they would do as they pleased, looting, raping and maiming as the fancy took them, proving true the saying that war brings out the darkest, sickest side of human nature.
When the war ended the soldiers were released to go back to the lives they’d lived before they were drafted into the army. Having witnessed such carnage and unimaginable horror many, unsurprisingly, found it incredibly difficult to re-integrate back into society. Psychological trauma aside, when their community found out that they were former soldiers, the residents instinctively knew that these men had been the perpetrators of unspeakable acts against their own countrymen and were shunned.
John developed psychological problems and had regular nightmares about the things that he had done. During a visit to his psychologist he spoke of the systematic raping of women that he had participated in; the psychologist‘s suggestion was that John should find the women he'd raped and ask for their forgiveness. It would appear that it was the attack on one woman in particular that particularly disturbed him; it was unclear why.
This woman, whom I’ll call Sue, was contacted and she agreed to meet with her attacker to hear what he had to say.
The body language of John and Sue when they finally met was very telling. Sue walked in tall, her gaze was steady and her movements smooth. John, however, was very fidgety, he kept bouncing his leg up and down, he couldn’t meet her gaze, he kept wringing his hands; all the tell-tale signs of a very guilty man.
John spoke first, with his eyes darting everywhere except in Sue's direction. The upshot of what he said was that he wanted her forgiveness for what he had done, and he advised her to put the past behind her and bear him no ill will.
Sue then spoke. Looking straight at John, she explained how his actions had destroyed her entire life. Interestingly she didn’t shout, she spoke softly and matter-of-factly. She could now no longer get married because in their culture women had to be virgins on their wedding day, people blamed her for what had happened and she was shunned; before the attack she was an independent woman enjoying her life but since that day she’d had to move back with her parents as she could no longer look after herself. Even her parents to some degree blamed her for what happened. She was unable to work and it felt like her life was totally over. John, inexplicably, said that she couldn’t hold anything in her heart towards him, they couldn’t continue to have a problem with each other, she had to forgive him and they both had to move on.
To show how sorry he was, John gave her a new baby pig, which cost him almost a year’s salary. He didn't buy it specifically for her. He had purchased it for himself when he had left the army in order to rear it and make some money. Sue accepted the gesture, stating that now she had met with him and told him how he had ruined her life, she felt stronger. Because she had forgiven him she knew that her life could be put back together again as she was now free from the corrosive power of hatred.
Again, their body language was very telling when they left the room in which they’d met. With her new pig in tow Sue, with head held high and shoulders back, elegantly walked back to her parents’ house to start a new chapter in her life. Even though she didn’t appear burdened when she had first met John, she definitely appeared lighter and to be walking a bit taller.
The same could not be said for John, however. He shuffled away from the meeting, almost zig-zagging down the road, darting furtive glances over his shoulder, looking like a man who was still very troubled. Clearly, John did not get what he was looking for that day.
John left that meeting as troubled as he had arrived because his motives were totally wrong. He only sought Sue out because he wanted relief from the nightmares and mental problems he was suffering, not because he had recognised that he had committed a wicked crime against her and wanted to apologise. Were it not for the fact that he was suffering from mental health issues, would he have wanted to track Sue down? Would he even have thought about what he did to her?
In order for the person seeking forgiveness to get the release they are looking for, they must come humbly, recognising that they are truly guilty of whatever it is they have done and apologise unreservedly, not expecting, never mind demanding, anything in return. They cannot gloss over facts or be dismissive about what took place; they must not try and defend what they did nor try to goad the person into giving them what they want. This is where John missed it. His attitude was that because he was ready to be forgiven for his own sake, Sue had to be ready to give it. What the ‘John’s’ of the world need to realise is that the person from whom forgiveness is being sought may not be in the place to forgive at that moment. They may still be so damaged by what happened that a tremendous amount of healing needs to take place within them first before they can even consider thinking about the person who caused their pain with anything other than utter contempt and hatred. While it is true that forgiveness is the ultimate key to moving beyond a painful past, victims must be given the time and space to arrive at that level. They must not be coerced or rushed into it.
In addition, anyone seeking forgiveness must have experienced a true change of heart concerning what they have done. Let’s say that someone used to bully you and wants your forgiveness but they are still bullying people, then this person hasn’t changed. The victim can be magnanimous and forgive, but the seeker will not get a sense of release because they are still inflicting the same trauma on others. They need to refrain from their destructive behaviour altogether if they are to reap the benefits of forgiveness.
Am I saying John shouldn’t be forgiven, that he shouldn’t be given a second chance? No, I’m not saying any such thing. What I am saying is that his request for forgiveness should have come from a place of genuine sorrow and remorse for what he had done to Sue. He should not have factored his own needs into the equation at all. Until he recognises that he cannot wrench forgiveness from his victims to suit his own ends, his nightmares and mental health issues will continue.
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