Victims of bullying must have justice

I saw a sickening video recently featuring SEVEN teenagers viciously beating an Oriental boy. I will not be posting it here as it has already gone viral and I do not want to give these people anymore publicity.

The one filming this sickening display was a 15 year old girl who lured the victim into the path of these barbaric teens. They stomped on his head, punched and kicked him for 3.39 minutes. They could have very easily killed him. My blood boiled – I was absolutely enraged by these wicked boys torturing a helpless young boy for fun. The term 'feral' that so many people in London protest about being used to describe young people who behave in this manner definitely applies to these boys

But what I'm concerned about is that a hotshot defence attorney could cut a deal which will result in minimal punishment, if any, for the attackers and their records could be expunged so as not to harm their chances of getting a good job in the future.

If I sound cynical it is because this seems to be the way things go, especially in the US. Take the case of Phoebe Prince,15, who committed suicide after a campaign of bullying by nine of her classmates. After standing trial for the part they played in her suicide, sentences of probation and community service were handed down after Phoebe's tormentors pleaded guilty to the charges on May 5, 2011. Does this sound like an appropriate punishment for what they did to her? There are hundreds more stories like this.

Trawl the web for five minutes and you will see that seldom are bullies punished appropriately whether the victim commits suicide or not. Why are schools and local authorities reluctant to punish bullies properly? What is it about this epidemic that causes those with the power to do the most about it to turn a blind eye, thereby empowering aggressive people to continue their reign of terror? Even with all the statistics about how bad the bullying epidemic is the response from authority figures is woefully inadequate; some might even say irresponsible.

What will it take for schools and local authorities to punish bullies appropriately?

Why is bullying on the increase?

I recently watched an episode of Judge Judy. The case presented to her was that of a 12 year old boy whose mobile phone had gone missing and he was suing the defendant, a 15 year old girl, Gabriella, for theft.

The phone had somehow ended up in Gabriella’s neighbourhood, which was an hour away from the boy's home. Gabriella's father had found it on the pavement and instead of taking it to the local police station or trying to call some of the numbers in the phone to find out who it belonged to, he took it home. When after a month no one called to claim the phone Gabriella decided to use it.

Here is Gabriella’s version of events: when after a month no one called to claim the phone she started using it. She thought it was a prepaid phone, but the minutes just never ran out. She didn't steal the phone so she wasn’t a thief. When the phone wasn't returned to the young boy, his family should have disconnected the phone line. Yes she used it, but the phone was pretty and she liked it. It wasn’t her fault that the boy had lost the phone. All of this was delivered in between questioning by Judge Judy with a smile in the presence of both her parents.

To add insult to injury Gabriella had run up a phone bill of over $400 and had lost the phone, both of which her parents were made to pay for, thankfully.

Even though Judge Judy then proceeded to give Gabriella’s parents a very condescending lecture on teaching their daughter right from wrong, it was very clear from Gabriella’s behaviour in front of her parents how she had been raised. She did not care at all about what she had done. In fact she couldn't understand why she was in court!

The erosion of the once clear distinction between right and wrong is a global phenomenon. Young people have nothing to fear from their parents or the authorities because there is a whole raft of laws protecting them, which has helped create an entire generation of youth who believe they are untouchable. Every time they are slapped on the wrist or simply allowed to walk away from crimes they have committed it bolsters this belief and makes it difficult for victims to get any kind of justice for the crimes committed against them. This is the main reason, I believe, that bullying is on the increase.

Few cases of bullying are ever brought to court and when they are, they seldom result in a win for the victim. Every excuse in the book is given by defence lawyers ranging from a poor home life to over exhuberant high jinks. It is rare that those who pushed them to the brink are suitably punished. Is it any wonder that an increasing number of those who are being assaulted everyday believe the only way out of their torment is to take their own lives?

Because of the incredible psychological damage bullying often causes, it needs to be made a crime and punished properly. Take a look for yourself – surf the internet and read articles on the subject at your leisure. Victims are often maimed, crippled or killed whilst being assaulted. Why shouldn't teenagers who injure people this way after a campaign of bullying be punished the same way that one person assaulting another in the street would be? Surely the bullies should receive an even stiffer sentence as they targetted their victim and harrassed them relentlessly? What am I missing?

Dealing with conflict

Hey folks! How are you doing? I know, I've broken my vow to blog weekly. But I'm here today!

Lots of things have happened since I last wrote, but I'll focus on one thing. I've learned that the best way to deal with conflict is to confront the source of the issue. It can pay off handsomely. I remember someone saying that confrontation didn't have to be a problem, and I have to say that I agree.

There is a person I work with who up a till a couple of weeks ago was a total pain; a really annoying, and at times, utterly obnoxious individual. They are one of those people who revel in how bright they are and want the whole world to do the same. For sure they are very talented, but they have been using this to try and promote themselves rather than waiting until their character is sufficiently formed to be able to handle the status they quite clearly have their eye on.

I would go home after a day's work enraged at this person and their many indiscretions. I didn't say or do anything initially because I wanted to be absolutely certain that I had got my facts right and that I wasn't imagining the whole thing. Then a couple of months ago, over a period of two weeks, I came across evidence in black and white which proved that I had been correct about this person and their behaviour; the things that I had seen in her attitude and behaviour were real. I no longer needed to torment myself over whether or not I was imagining things. I decided to confront the individual concerned about what I had observed and the things that I was unhappy about.

Firstly, I gave them the opportunity to speak so that they could air any grievances that they may have against me. Surprisingly they appeared to have none, which made her behaviour seem all the more bizarre.

I then drew some boundary lines and let them know what was appropriate and inappropriate in how we were to work together. At certain points their interjections seemed just ludricrous - the solutions were obvious if they would just stop trying to get their own way all the time and consider others. I said everything I had to say and then it was over. The anger which had been burning away on the inside disappeared. My peace of mind was restored and work was no longer the drudge that it had been up until that point.

It fixed in my mind permanently that the best way to stop a situation from getting out of control is to tackle it when it first happens. I shouldn't have waited as long as I did, even if I was unsure at first that they were being insolent. Saying what I had in my heart was like a release and was very liberating for me.

I would encourage everyone, to always confront situations that are robbing you of your peace and joy. Don't let them continue unchecked. It is more than likely that you may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

Don't take your gifts to the grave

A few years ago, I was watching a dvd with my father about a famous Nigerian singer, whom we’ll call Samuel. Samuel, who by the time of narration was well into his 60s, recounted how difficult it had been for him when he first started out. When he was growing up, wanting to be a singer was akin to wanting to be an alcoholic or a drug dealer. It was a major league no-no. The origins of this belief are unclear, but it was every family’s worst nightmare for their child to pursue this career path.

Despite all the strong objections, when Samuel was a young man, he ventured out of his village to perform at a concert. Whilst there he received a telegram from his father saying that he was ill, almost dying, and he requested that his son come home immediately. Shocked, Samuel returned home quickly, expecting to find his father on his death bed, desperately clinging to life for just one more opportunity to see his son’s face. On arriving home Samuel was horrified to discover, as his family imprisoned him in their home, that not only was his father fully alive and well, but the whole thing had been a ruse to lure him back home and convince him using any method that the life of a singer was for those louche individuals for whom life held no purpose; singers were nothing but drunkards and no hopers.

Despite all their protestations, Samuel stood his ground and pursued his dream of being a singer, and eventually received national acclaim. My father told me that there were other professions that were scorned as well, such as nursing ("to do this meant that you were a licentious person; why else would a woman want a job peering at people's bodies all day?"!!!!). The only jobs deemed fit for any self-respecting Nigerian was being a lawyer, a doctor or something in the civil service. Again there was no point of reference for these beliefs.

I'm not sure if he is the actual author of this statement, but Dr Myles Monroe is often credited for saying "the graveyard is the wealthiest place on earth". He means that people have gone to their graves rich with unreleased or unrealised potential, robbing the world of the opportunity to benefit from the incredible gifts and abilities they had been blessed with. This thought played through my mind when I thought of the countless number of people who, because of lack of support from their parents or societal pressure, did not do what they had been created to do. It is such a sad thought. Not everyone has the courage of Samuel to persist with their dreams despite pressure to give them up.

That is one of the reasons that I decided to pursue being a writer. I didn't want to go to my grave without knowing what I could have contributed to the world with just a bit of hard work and self belief. Having turned 39 last week, I am fully aware that I have let a lot of time slip because of procrastination and fear and now really is the time to put my foot on the accelerator and get going!

Have you any dreams that you have given up on? If so, I would encourage you to pick them up again and see if you can still make it happen. Don't rob the world of your brilliance!

My article for my new client

Happy Saturday people! How are you? I'm in the library beavering away and plan to do so for the next three days straight! Gotta get some serious writing done.

Anyhow, after much hooing and haaing one of the posts I've written for my client has finally made it onto the website. We have a few glitches that we are ironing out so the other two aren't on there yet! If you know of anyone in the New York area that loves pets and would like to go to the Westminster Dog Show, show them this:

http://petride.wordpress.com/our-blog/

A working girl with income!

Hi there! Well, I am pleased to confirm that I am now officially blogging for a new client. What I love about blogging is that you write about completely new topics and have to do research and discover how to string things together in a sentence that make you sound like you know what you are talking about! I love learning so this is great. Plus I'm getting paid which is even better! I bought a book the other day which has a section entitled "how to write killer blogs", or in everyday parlance, blogs that will generate Internet traffic which translates into money! My book of choice for the next few weeks!

My draft book came back from the editors. I have a few amendments to make which I will get cracking on this weekend. She suggested leaving out a few chapters, which I'm not sure I agree with, but I will review the situation when I study her comments properly. No church on Sunday so I will make my pilgrimage down to the library and write up a storm.

I think I've made suitable progress on my documentary idea today. I finally managed to get in touch with a woman who is a documentary maker by profession and the ball is finally rolling. I can only imagine her expression at the end of the phone as during our conversation it emerged that I have absolutely no experience of documentary making of any kind and it is just an idea that popped into my head which I want to bring to the screen! I was supposed to email her my outline this afternoon, or as it is known in the trade, a 'treatment', but I discovered that I have either left her email address at home or in the cloak room downstairs from the library! Nuts! I'll have to wait until later to do it. I just need her guidance and expertise on how to bring my vision to fruition. We'll see how it goes!

Oh well, enough slacking, back to trying to turn my crust into a loaf of bread! Toodle-loo!

Breakthrough!

I've always had a problem asking for money in any form, whether it is outright asking my family to borrow me some money or putting a figure on the services I render. With regards to the latter I have ALWAYS undercut myself.

I have always found it totally impossible to say exactly how much I want to be paid. Well I had a break through today! I was letting someone know how much I would charge for the particular service he wanted. As I was writing the message, I toyed with the idea of putting a lesser amount or offering a two for the price of one service to make the price seem more reasonable. I had already done my research on the matter and knew that what I was charging was correct, but I struggled to do it.

I had just listened to a teaching about the power of the mind and how our thoughts direct our actions. The speaker was saying that if I wanted 2011 to be different from 2010, I would need to change the way I think and the way I see things. I reasoned that I was worth what I was asking; I wasn't scamming the guy at all. "You've got to change the way you see yourself, if you don't see your own worth or believe you worth what you are asking, then you're not going to get very far," I chided myself. So I plucked up my courage and quoted the price that I had in mind. The client then said "wow, that's really reasonable!" Wooooooooooweeeeeeeeee! What a massive breakthrough! I'm so stoked! Here's hoping this is the start of a major turnaround in the area of finances for me!

Progress!

Greetings! Things are starting to move along now. After what seemed like a lot of pinging backwards and forwards with my first article for Suite 101 it has finally been published. It is the first time I have written publicly about some of the things that I encountered in a church I used to attend. I hope people who read it find it useful; hopefully it will play a part in my finally being able to lay the whole thing to rest once and for all.

Remember the guy who I spoke about regarding creating a blog? Well I gave him suggestions and he loved them so it is all systems go! Woo hoo!

Not bad for sixteen days into the New Year!

Here's hoping!

It's interesting how conversations can lead to something beneficial. I was talking to someone I know on line yesterday when they quite pointedly started to ask me about my working situation. As I don't know this person very well, their questioning came across as a bit rude. They wanted to know my educational background, what position I was in now, whether I was satisfied with the money I was making, if not why did I not return to my former incarnation as a PA, etc. On the PA issue, I explained that as I absolutely hated being a PA I would no longer be returning to that field; I wanted to make my living as a writer. Our conversation then went like this:

Him: You should write a blog.
Me: I already do.
Him: Blogging can be a good way of generating new business leads. I know of someone who has got thousands of dollars worth of new business from doing this.
Me: Yes I know. I blogged for a few companies before, but there was the issue of being paid once the recession really kicked in, especially if they were small businesses.
Him: I should do a blog
Me: Why don't you write one then?
Him: I'm no good at writing and research...but you could do it for me.
Me: Yes, I guess I could!
Him: Great! Here is the site of my competitor. Have a look at it and see what you think.
Me: Will do! I will go through it and then draft a list of questions for you to answer as to what you want for your site!
Him: Excellent! Oh, by the way, how much do you charge?
By this time my business brain was fully awake!
Me: Once you let me know the level of input and work you want me to undertake, I will let you know
Him: Great, speak to you soon!

Not a bad result for a Wednesday afternoon! I was hoping for new doors of opportunity to open for me this year and here's one! Will keep you posted on how it all goes!

Ok, I'm listening now!

Hi there! How are you all doing so far this New Year?

I started back at work yesterday - man was it hard to get up so early after a week and a half of getting up at noon! It is grey, cold and raining right now but I'm determined to hang onto my new attitude of not letting these little things bug me!

I'm not a huge fan of New Year's resolutions, but something happened today which caused me to make one exception; I'm going to start listening to the voice within more.

I had an appointment today at 9.10am a short distance from my house. I prepared the paperwork for it and headed out the door in good time. As I was locking the front door, I felt impressed that I should go back inside and get my laptop so that I could go straight from my appointment to the library. I thought about doing so but then decided not to as my laptop is quite heavy. I decided to go for my appointment, return home and then pick up my laptop. With that settled, I headed off.

It was only when I got to my appointment I realised that an important document was missing. I had finished it this morning and I needed it for my appointment. Even though I live nearby, it was too late to go back home and retrieve it. All of a sudden it dawned on me; had I gone back inside to get my laptop, I would have seen this document as it was in the vicinity of my laptop and realised that I had mistakenly left it behind. Fortunately when I explained what had happened, the person I was meeting was gracious about it and everything went well despite the missing documentation.

This has happened to me a lot over the years - I get a sense to do or not do something and I do the opposite thing with negative results. Well, I'm putting it on record - the voice within will get much more of my attention from now on!

Embracing 2011!

Happy New Year to you all! I didn't make any resolutions for the simple reason that they only last about 15 minutes! I have set myself a few goals though which I will keep to myself for now, but one of the main things I've been looking at is how my mindset determines the direction of my life.

I'm sure you've heard a number of catch phrases about the power of belief, quite possibly without realising the full significance of the statements that were made. "Think positive", "believe it and you will achieve it", "if you think something bad will happen it will", "it's mind over matter," "be determined", etc, etc. I've heard things like this and more over the years. I used to dismiss these statements as being those of New Agers and others who had a penchant for hugging trees and rocks in the New Forest!

But there is a lot of truth in these sayings. One of the first statements I ever heard along these lines was from the bible: "...For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Proverbs 23:7. Simply put, we are what we think.

I have a very clear example from my own life about this truth. I am very tall, and growing up I absolutely hated it. I hated people staring at me and all of the comments that went with those stares. I can still tell when someone is referring to my height in another language! Whenever I had to go out somewhere, before I had even set foot outside, my heart would race with anxiety as I imagined people staring and laughing at me. More often than not this is exactly what happened. I would never visit crowded places; I would seldom go to parties or weddings unless I absolutely had to go. I just didn't want to be seen; sometimes I would spend days without going outside. If I had to go to the High Street, I would take the routes which ensured minimal contact with other people.

Then one day, after an experience which changed my concept of my height, I decided not to focus on people's reactions and attitudes to my height any more. I made a choice to embrace who I was, enjoy my height, go where I pleased and not bother about people's foolishness. You know what? The number of unpleasant incidents dropped from happening every day to hardly ever happening at all. What had changed? I hadn't moved to another country or another part of the City; people hadn't changed, but my mind had. I had always walked tall, but now my confidence and my attitude walked tall too! People are always commenting on how amazing and pleasant it is to see someone who isn't ashamed of their height and who doesn't try and disguise it with a stoop. All I did was change my mindset and the results became evident to all.

I was thinking about this quite a bit yesterday; what would happen if I changed my mind in other areas of my life where I want things to be different? At times I can be quite defeatist when things don't happen the way I want them to first time round or as quickly as I would like and so I give up, but what if approached each challenge or obstacle with the belief that they could be overcome? What if I actually started to believe that I can be a writer of note and take steps in that direction, rather than comparing myself to others and telling myself that I don't measure up? What if I approached everything with the belief that I can, I will, I am good enough, nothing is out of my reach and nothing is impossible for me? What would my life look like with this approach? Well, if the results from my change in attitude about my height are anything to go by, my life would be pretty amazing!

One of the things I purposed today was that I want my life from now on to be an adventure. I'm challenging myself to strap myself firmly into my seat on this roller coaster ride that is my life, throw my hands up in the air and, as I take all the dips, turns and loops that are unique to my life, I want to embrace every element of what lies in store for me with a positive outlook. Yes, unpleasant things may happen along the way, but I won't let setbacks alter my course anymore. I choose to enjoy my life and become who I am destined to be in the process. Life was always supposed to be an incredible, exhilarating journey. It still can be. But because for a while my view was obscured by my concerns about how I looked and how people treated me, I totally lost sight of how fantastic it is to be alive!

Life in the Tall Lane just got a lot more fun! Here's to 2011 being the greatest year of my life so far!

Goodbye to 2010!

Hiya! I went out earlier today to try and capture the last few moments of 2010. I passed through Oxford Street and was surprised at how many people were there, more than were there on Christmas Eve, which is strange.

I then passed through Regents Park, my spiritual home. It was a bit grey and grim but it was nice to be there nevertheless. I was surprised to discover that parts of the lake were still frozen. All the snow and ice has melted everywhere else in London.

Well, I'll leave you with a few pictures of my adventures so far today. I'm getting ready to go out for the evening, so until my next post, have a wonderful New Year. Have fun, whatever you do!

BelindaXXX

Don't give up yet

If you are anything like me, there are certain times of the year when you become especially contemplative. For me this occurs on my birthday and New Year's Eve. Yes, I know today is the 30th, but I've been reflecting on the state of affairs concerning my life so far.

I used to think that things would just happen, e.g. Mr Right would just come along, the perfect job would fall into my lap, I would travel the world etc. That's the way it has happened for just about everyone I know. There wasn't any striving - it just seemed that when it was their time, things just slotted into place. I automatically assumed that would be the story of my life too. I couldn't understand why it was that, when I would have various reunions with friends, my life was the only one that was unchanged since the last time we had met. I was the only one who wasn't married, didn't have kids, wasn't in a long-term job, didn't yet have my own place, wasn't driving etc.

I would chide myself for not trying hard enough, or for not being focussed enough. Now this was the case in some of the scenarios I ran through my head, but not in all. I recalled the hundreds of jobs I had applied for, which didn't result in success. I thought about all of the networking I had done, and all of the things I had tried to do to create the type of life that I wanted for myself to no avail.

I was watching the Biography channel while I was at my mother's house over Christmas. They spoke about George Clooney's path to fame. Before he made it big, he was written off as a failed actor by everyone in the film industry and many of his friends. One of the contributors joked that he was the "Pilot King" because every time a new show was starting you would more than likely see George starring in it. Every one of the shows tanked, which did not help his situation! By the age of 31 he had not made his name in Hollywood despite slogging away at it for 12 years. Even though the movie industry is a lot more gracious to men than it is to women with regards to age, it is the general rule that if you have not caught the eye of the studios by your early twenties, then you should pack your bags and go home and definitely think about embarking on a completely different career.

By this time George was flat broke and sleeping on a friend's sofa who now wanted him out. He was criticised by many as being lazy and lacking ambition – how else could a jobless, homeless 31 year old be described? Others in his field of the same age had been working in their careers for at least a decade with more success than him. Other friends had settled down with spouses, children and their own homes. What was wrong with this guy?

At this time Hollywood was abuzz with talk of a script for a new show that could be a hit; the studios liked the concept and a call was put out for actors to fill the part. George the Pilot King was called for an audition; he got the part and went on to become a household favourite as Dr Doug Ross, aka Gorgeous George, in the fast-paced hospital drama ER. The rest, as they say, is history.

Ok, so I’m a bit older than Mr Clooney but our lives matched in every area detailed on that show. It gave me hope that even though I’m the only one out of my peers who hasn’t hit any of the expected life markers and still seems to be drifting, I know that as I keep going something will give. I have often wondered why, for all of the efforts I have made, that I have not tasted the success that those around me seemed to have gained with half the effort. But this is my unique path. This is my story. Why it has to be this way has yet to be revealed, but it will definitely be a sweet moment to savour when everything aligns and I’m living in my destiny.

If this bears witness with you, I just want to give you an encouraging word: keep on going. If it has been confirmed that you have the talent, and you enjoy what you are doing, STICK WITH IT. You are not alone, others have experienced the exact same thing that you are going through right now, but as they persevered they eventually got what they had been looking for all the while. You have been sowing seed all this time; who’s to say that harvest time isn’t just around the corner for you? Don’t give up!

How was your Christmas?

I've just back from my mum's house where I spent Christmas. It was a nice time. Lots of food; didn't eat as much as I usually do, but I'm sure I'm heavier than I was before Christmas! Speak to you again soon!


Our turkey which weighed in at 9.8 kilos!


Rice that my mother made.


Plantains, an African and Caribbean staple with food.


The tree at my mum's house with presents.

Christmas Eve!

Well, I made it to and from Oxford Street in one piece. It was a totally underwhelming experience. I expected the streets to be bulging as people frantically dashed to and fro snagging last minute gifts for friends. If I'm not mistaken, there were less people there than normal.

Any how I met up with a friend for lunch. The meal wasn't anything to write home about, but the bill made one's eyes water!

That's all from me. Have a wonderful Christmas. Speak to you again soon!


Courgette and potato soup. Lacked flavour - the toasted bread was nice, though.


Spinach and cheese ravioli. Also tasteless, but a healthy main meal!


My dessert was a boring, unattractive looking apple slice. My friend's order looked a lot more interesting, it was a ricotta mouse with fun stuff on it.

My first foray into the Christmas rush

Hi there people! I plucked up the courage to venture into the Christmas crowds to get my last few bits for the big day. So far so good! I went shopping in Brixton first of all which was fun with my camera! It was bitterly cold though! As you couldn't phsically be with me, I brought Brixton to you. Tomorrow, Oxford Street! Not a trip for the faint hearted on Christmas Eve! See you then!



A selection of fish at the indoor market.


Mackerel, my favourite fish! I bought some today.


Squid, anyone?


LOL! There are lots of Caribbean restaurants in London. This one happens to be a kiosk. In the summer there would be people sitting on those three chairs outside.


They aren't joking!


Spices from around the world.


These are called Flying Saucers, my absolute favourites. I bought a load of them today!


I loved Wham's!


Sherbet Dip Dabs - yum! The objects to the right had sweet blocks inside and also doubled up as whistles.


I loved all of these sweets, Black Jacks were my least favourite though.


The Fruit Salad's are delish!


There is a shop in Brixton Arcade called Sweet Tooth, which sells sweets that I used to have as a child. These ones were amongst my favourite. The price is exactly the same!


These guys asked to have their pictures taken! They were cool dudes!


Meat sellers only too happy to pose for the camera! They were fun!


More wonderful fruit.


There are loads of stalls selling fruits and vegetables from all over the world. They always have vast supplies of produce.


The outdoor market is a essentially a long line of stalls selling anything from handbags to meat.


The kiosk in Brixton where I go to satisfy my sugar cravings!


The Ritzy - a famous cinema in South London.


KFC - A favourite place for many!


Brixton Town Centre

My book is at the editors!

Hey people! I'm so excited. Have you ever had a dream or plan knocking around in your mind for a while that you always planned to do something with "one day" but never really did?

Well that has been me for a long time. I am a bit of a procrastinator, but I vowed that I would write my book. It is aimed at helping people whose lives have been scarred by bullying continue on to live healthy, successful lives. I've been writing it on and off for a year, having major writing spurts at times and then nothing for ages. I've got it up to the best shape it can be in for now, and I have sent it off to an editor to proof read and make suggestions before I look for publishers.

It doesn't feel real at the moment; I'm sure that will change when I get the bill! But I am actually doing something that I had planned to do. The dream is becoming a reality!

More pictures

View from my house!

It's been snowing again today. It's been coming down hard. I was supposed to be going to a Christmas party tonight but needless to say, my evening will be spent right here! By the time the evening comes the roads will be an ice-rink! I've tried to capture the snowfall as best as I can on my camera. We may be on course for a white Christmas if this keeps up. A friend encouraged me to try and catch some snowflakes in my mouth, I got them up my nose first and then I caught a few!! Score! My blog seems unable to handle a whole block of pictures at once so I will post the rest in the next page.

Do we have a right to forgiveness?

I was watching another documentary some time ago called Weapons of War, which illustrated how Sierra Leonean soldiers were using systematic rape as a weapon against their enemies during their civil war. The main focus of the film was to bring together rapist and victim to see if the victim could/would forgive the one who raped her.

The rapist they focussed on was a man in his late thirties, whom I’ll call John. When he was first drafted into the army it appeared that he was doing his ‘job’ to the letter, i.e. fighting whoever his superiors said were the enemy. But according to John the soldiers were not looked after well; more often than not they had no food to eat and were not provided with the most basic materials necessary for survival. The promises of provision, national gratitude and the belief that they were fighting for a noble cause rang hollow in the face of their harsh daily reality. To make matters worse, the soldiers realised that they were seen to be the enemy in the eyes of the Sierra Leonean people.

In disgust and using their own twisted logic, many soldiers, instead of simply quitting the army, decided to vent their fury on those who were the most defenceless. According to John because they were being treated so badly by their government, they didn’t see why they should obey orders any longer. There was a general consensus that they would do as they pleased, looting, raping and maiming as the fancy took them, proving true the saying that war brings out the darkest, sickest side of human nature.

When the war ended the soldiers were released to go back to the lives they’d lived before they were drafted into the army. Having witnessed such carnage and unimaginable horror many, unsurprisingly, found it incredibly difficult to re-integrate back into society. Psychological trauma aside, when their community found out that they were former soldiers, the residents instinctively knew that these men had been the perpetrators of unspeakable acts against their own countrymen and were shunned.

John developed psychological problems and had regular nightmares about the things that he had done. During a visit to his psychologist he spoke of the systematic raping of women that he had participated in; the psychologist‘s suggestion was that John should find the women he'd raped and ask for their forgiveness. It would appear that it was the attack on one woman in particular that particularly disturbed him; it was unclear why.

This woman, whom I’ll call Sue, was contacted and she agreed to meet with her attacker to hear what he had to say.

The body language of John and Sue when they finally met was very telling. Sue walked in tall, her gaze was steady and her movements smooth. John, however, was very fidgety, he kept bouncing his leg up and down, he couldn’t meet her gaze, he kept wringing his hands; all the tell-tale signs of a very guilty man.

John spoke first, with his eyes darting everywhere except in Sue's direction. The upshot of what he said was that he wanted her forgiveness for what he had done, and he advised her to put the past behind her and bear him no ill will.

Sue then spoke. Looking straight at John, she explained how his actions had destroyed her entire life. Interestingly she didn’t shout, she spoke softly and matter-of-factly. She could now no longer get married because in their culture women had to be virgins on their wedding day, people blamed her for what had happened and she was shunned; before the attack she was an independent woman enjoying her life but since that day she’d had to move back with her parents as she could no longer look after herself. Even her parents to some degree blamed her for what happened. She was unable to work and it felt like her life was totally over. John, inexplicably, said that she couldn’t hold anything in her heart towards him, they couldn’t continue to have a problem with each other, she had to forgive him and they both had to move on.

To show how sorry he was, John gave her a new baby pig, which cost him almost a year’s salary. He didn't buy it specifically for her. He had purchased it for himself when he had left the army in order to rear it and make some money. Sue accepted the gesture, stating that now she had met with him and told him how he had ruined her life, she felt stronger. Because she had forgiven him she knew that her life could be put back together again as she was now free from the corrosive power of hatred.

Again, their body language was very telling when they left the room in which they’d met. With her new pig in tow Sue, with head held high and shoulders back, elegantly walked back to her parents’ house to start a new chapter in her life. Even though she didn’t appear burdened when she had first met John, she definitely appeared lighter and to be walking a bit taller.

The same could not be said for John, however. He shuffled away from the meeting, almost zig-zagging down the road, darting furtive glances over his shoulder, looking like a man who was still very troubled. Clearly, John did not get what he was looking for that day.

John left that meeting as troubled as he had arrived because his motives were totally wrong. He only sought Sue out because he wanted relief from the nightmares and mental problems he was suffering, not because he had recognised that he had committed a wicked crime against her and wanted to apologise. Were it not for the fact that he was suffering from mental health issues, would he have wanted to track Sue down? Would he even have thought about what he did to her?

In order for the person seeking forgiveness to get the release they are looking for, they must come humbly, recognising that they are truly guilty of whatever it is they have done and apologise unreservedly, not expecting, never mind demanding, anything in return. They cannot gloss over facts or be dismissive about what took place; they must not try and defend what they did nor try to goad the person into giving them what they want. This is where John missed it. His attitude was that because he was ready to be forgiven for his own sake, Sue had to be ready to give it. What the ‘John’s’ of the world need to realise is that the person from whom forgiveness is being sought may not be in the place to forgive at that moment. They may still be so damaged by what happened that a tremendous amount of healing needs to take place within them first before they can even consider thinking about the person who caused their pain with anything other than utter contempt and hatred. While it is true that forgiveness is the ultimate key to moving beyond a painful past, victims must be given the time and space to arrive at that level. They must not be coerced or rushed into it.

In addition, anyone seeking forgiveness must have experienced a true change of heart concerning what they have done. Let’s say that someone used to bully you and wants your forgiveness but they are still bullying people, then this person hasn’t changed. The victim can be magnanimous and forgive, but the seeker will not get a sense of release because they are still inflicting the same trauma on others. They need to refrain from their destructive behaviour altogether if they are to reap the benefits of forgiveness.

Am I saying John shouldn’t be forgiven, that he shouldn’t be given a second chance? No, I’m not saying any such thing. What I am saying is that his request for forgiveness should have come from a place of genuine sorrow and remorse for what he had done to Sue. He should not have factored his own needs into the equation at all. Until he recognises that he cannot wrench forgiveness from his victims to suit his own ends, his nightmares and mental health issues will continue.