I've been pondering a few things lately. This year more so than any other year in my life I have been studying my relationships with people. At primary school I had a friend, Joyce Quinlivan, who I regarded as my best friend. As little kids do, we had a cycle of fighting and making up again. When primary school was over, as we were not going to be attending the same secondary schools, we never contacted each other again.
In secondary school I made friends easily, but then as the inevitable fights occured, I found that I was viewed as being cause of the problem and left out of the group. For some reason everyone sided with the person I was having the issue with. I'm very analytical so I always looked at both sides of an argument. I could see where I over reacted sometimes and other times I could see where the other person was totally out of line. But for everything that happened, I NEVER started fights; I always responded/reacted to situations. I wondered why I could never see these incidents coming; the drama ALWAYS caught me off guard, they were so unexpected. But somehow I ended up the bad guy in the situation. This pattern has continued throughout my adult life. The last three years especially I have found that no matter how polite and friendly I am, I'm the one that ends up with no genuine friends. Friendship to me has become the Eighth Wonder of the World. I look in awe at people who so effortlessly make friends and end up having true heart relationships with people, and wonder....how on earth do they do that??? It really does seem like a miracle to me.
Then I got to wondering whether or not I really am the problem. When you see a pattern of something there has got to be something in that, right? I remember someone once upon a time saying something to the effect that, if you have a problem with one person then that is normal, but if one person has problems with lots of people, then that person is the problem. I have come to believe that maybe this is true of me. Maybe the way I view myself and the way others view me is totally different. I see myself as friendly, outgoing, genuine and loyal. One person said to me not so long ago that I can be a bit full on, a bit much. She suggested that my rough edges needed to be smoothed out. But is that a problem? I'm not the only one with rough edges. But what standard did she use to determine that my edges are rough? I read a scripture in the bible which says: "He who desires friends must himself be friendly." But I think I am!!!
I often wonder if it is a cultural thing. The Brits and those who have been in England long enough to really take on the culture aren't renowned for their friendliness. When I was in the US I loved it so much because you could talk to people. Yes, people ACTUALLY would approach me to talk to me. I recall when I was in New York for the first time in 2005. If I looked like I was lost, within moments someone would come and offer assistance. I was never left needing help for up to 30 seconds; I am NOT exaggerating. In England you would be left standing for hours before someone would come and try to help you. Even in the bars in the US people would talk to me. In the streets I could strike up conversations; I'm sure that if I had been there longer, I may have made friends with some of these people.
Or is this a cop out on my part? Maybe I simply need to humble myself, and listen to all the things that people have said and deal with them as needed. But how do I know that the things that happened weren't to do with the other person's issues and not my own? If I change the things that a few people have said (some people have split on me and I sincerely do not know why) do I not run the risk of conforming to their idea and understanding of how I'm supposed to be as opposed to being who I really am, warts and all? Will I not lose my identity? Will I not just be a people pleaser? If I change one element of who I am to satisfy one group of people, another set of individuals will despise me for that element now being absent from my personality. What in the world is a person to do????
Answers/suggestions/advice warmly received!!
In secondary school I made friends easily, but then as the inevitable fights occured, I found that I was viewed as being cause of the problem and left out of the group. For some reason everyone sided with the person I was having the issue with. I'm very analytical so I always looked at both sides of an argument. I could see where I over reacted sometimes and other times I could see where the other person was totally out of line. But for everything that happened, I NEVER started fights; I always responded/reacted to situations. I wondered why I could never see these incidents coming; the drama ALWAYS caught me off guard, they were so unexpected. But somehow I ended up the bad guy in the situation. This pattern has continued throughout my adult life. The last three years especially I have found that no matter how polite and friendly I am, I'm the one that ends up with no genuine friends. Friendship to me has become the Eighth Wonder of the World. I look in awe at people who so effortlessly make friends and end up having true heart relationships with people, and wonder....how on earth do they do that??? It really does seem like a miracle to me.
Then I got to wondering whether or not I really am the problem. When you see a pattern of something there has got to be something in that, right? I remember someone once upon a time saying something to the effect that, if you have a problem with one person then that is normal, but if one person has problems with lots of people, then that person is the problem. I have come to believe that maybe this is true of me. Maybe the way I view myself and the way others view me is totally different. I see myself as friendly, outgoing, genuine and loyal. One person said to me not so long ago that I can be a bit full on, a bit much. She suggested that my rough edges needed to be smoothed out. But is that a problem? I'm not the only one with rough edges. But what standard did she use to determine that my edges are rough? I read a scripture in the bible which says: "He who desires friends must himself be friendly." But I think I am!!!
I often wonder if it is a cultural thing. The Brits and those who have been in England long enough to really take on the culture aren't renowned for their friendliness. When I was in the US I loved it so much because you could talk to people. Yes, people ACTUALLY would approach me to talk to me. I recall when I was in New York for the first time in 2005. If I looked like I was lost, within moments someone would come and offer assistance. I was never left needing help for up to 30 seconds; I am NOT exaggerating. In England you would be left standing for hours before someone would come and try to help you. Even in the bars in the US people would talk to me. In the streets I could strike up conversations; I'm sure that if I had been there longer, I may have made friends with some of these people.
Or is this a cop out on my part? Maybe I simply need to humble myself, and listen to all the things that people have said and deal with them as needed. But how do I know that the things that happened weren't to do with the other person's issues and not my own? If I change the things that a few people have said (some people have split on me and I sincerely do not know why) do I not run the risk of conforming to their idea and understanding of how I'm supposed to be as opposed to being who I really am, warts and all? Will I not lose my identity? Will I not just be a people pleaser? If I change one element of who I am to satisfy one group of people, another set of individuals will despise me for that element now being absent from my personality. What in the world is a person to do????
Answers/suggestions/advice warmly received!!
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